Meltdown of the Ambiguously Gay Male Figure Skater

Our favorite ambiguously gay male figure skater, Johnny Weir, gave us one great diva like performance last night. One problem though. It happened in the parking lot and not on the ice. He went Ron Artest after the performance but the only thing he threw was a hissy fit.

Johnny tumbled from 2nd place to 5th place after a tentative performance in which he looked tired and skipped portions of his routine. He was so bad even his teammate Evan Lysacek vaulted from 10th to fourth with an emotion-packed performance despite battling the stomach flu the previous two days. Also two skaters who finished ahead of him both fell. Usually falling is the dagger in the heart in figure skating. Johnny didn't fall but he stunk it up. But of course it wasn't his fault.

"I never felt comfortable in this building," Johnny said after dropping from second to fifth. "I didn't feel my inner peace. I didn't feel my aura. I was black inside."

Can you imagine if Tom Brady said this after a game?

Along with it being the buildings fault (where did he want to perform? Outside on a pond?), he blames the bus system for losing his chance at a medal tonight.

He planned to take a bus at 8:30 hoping to arrive at 8:50 for his 10:30 performance. Only that no bus showed up. So he started to run around yelling in English and using a lot of energy. I'll let Johnny explain it.

"Buses had been coming every 10 minutes all week, but they changed the schedule to every half hour today, I guess," Johnny said. "I didn't want to wait until nine o'clock because then I wouldn't get there until 9:15 or 9:20. Which is what happened anyway. I was yelling at people in English and they only spoke Italian.

"I was swearing. I was calling people and swearing. I was very unprofessional."

I only wish a film crew jumped out and told him he had just been Punk'd. That would have been the greatest.

Johnny's coach didn't even have his back. She didn't think he was rushed or it was the buses fault. She basically said, "I feel it was a great deal of pressure he's never dealt with before". She hit it on the nail. Johnny was skating with two hands around his throat.

Since he has gotten here, Weir has said that he is "very princessy" about his travel accommodations. He prepared for Tuesday's short program by sleeping for five hours, eating two blood oranges, doing his hair and putting on "my fake face."

So we say goodbye for now to Johnny Weir. We'll hear about him again in four years in Vancouver. Hey at least he's gotten some fame out of the Olympics.

"My best friend e-mailed me and said, 'You made somebody's Web site as a D-list celebrity,'" Johnny said. "Great. I'm Kathy Griffin."

In my opinion you're slightly above Kathy. At least you're pretty comical with what you say. Kathy is about as funny as having twelve root canals with no novocaine.

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