I wish that we caned people here for running red lights, not tipping their server, or when Ozzie Guillen opens his mouth.

He’s the Wizard of Oz scarecrow wrapped in an overweight Venezulean body. It’s not the first time he’s voiced his opinion. He has already mocked the likes of A-Rod for not being Dominican enough, equated homosexuals with child molesters, ripped into a rookie for not intentionally hitting an opposing player, declared that if any pitcher hit him twice, “I’d be in the hospital or I’d be dead — but I will fight, I will fight.”

Guillen now threw a rage because Chicago Sun Times columnist Jay Mariotti criticized Ozzie’s handling of recently demoted relief pitcher Sean Tracey.

“What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] fag.”

I don’t read Jay’s column. I don’t watch him on “Around the Horn” because I think the show is stupid. A lot of people can’t stand him but Ozzie doesn’t have the right to publically say he’s a fag even thought many think would love to agree. Imagine if Jay wrote in his column that Ozzie is a “big piece of @#%% and dresses like a woman”. Jay would be fired on the spot. No questions asked. No chance for explanation. But Ozzie gets to say it behind the wall of who he is, the White Sox organiztion and Major League Baseball. It’s like sticking your tounge out, saying “Nah na na na” as you’re driving away to a little 10 year old boy after you called his mom fat.

Imagine if Jay was black and Ozzie insulted his race. I think the NAACP would riot until he was fired. Jesse Jackson would be on it like cream cheese on a bagel.

Then Ozzie said something that defies any common sense. Guillen also said that he has gay friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to go to the Gay Games in Chicago.

Okay Ozzie! Whew. Everything is forgiven now. You’re safe. Going to a Madonna concert gets you a free pass. Thanks for going to the WNBA games because they sure do need more fans. And the Gay Games really needs and outspoken spokesperson to promote their event. You are the face of all that is gay in this world.

Get Ozzie suspended. Fine him. Put a gag order on him Sox front office. He crossed the line. Just as long he’s free when the Madonna concert comes to town.

There it is folks. Your Miami Heat are the NBA champions. Chalk this as one of the biggest meltdowns in NBA finals history. Winning four straight games in a series is almost unheard of in sports today.

Dallas cruised and I mean really cruised out to a 2-0 lead. People wrote off the Heat as old and the Mavericks as the young guns. They hit the road to Miami knowning they need to win just one game. In Game 3 they thought they had it being up 13 points with 6:30 minutes left in the game. The wheels feel off the Mavericks and they lost that game. That seemed to be the turning point in the series because Dallas couldn’t finish off Miami in the closing moments of Game 4 or 5.

Then tonight they had no excuse to not win this game. Back at home with their personal suped up lockers and comfy home settings they seeked to tie up this series. They sounded like they were ready to run through walls. However, even with double digits lead twice couldn’t fight off those pesky Heat.

So let’s be clear. The Miami Heat deserved to win this game and the series. No conspiracy theory. Inexperience and a rookie coach finally found its flaws.

Shaq will never say it but he’ll put this championship ring on his middle finger and give a big salute to the Lakers. But he can’t be bitter because it worked out for the best. He said Riley is the best coach he ever had (Sorry Zen master). He said this is the best team he’s ever been on (Sorry Kobe). Mainly because there was zero arguments invovled in his two season here. Forget the three championships he won with the Lakers. This one with the Heat probably is better than all three of those combined according to him.

Dwayne Wade is now in the stratosphere of the NBA. Mark Cuban’s private jet doesn’t fly that high. Young, marketable, superstar, team player, and now NBA champion. Just please don’t start comparing him to Jordan. Jordan is one of a kind. Wade can make his own history if he keeps up this performance. The NBA salivated over this scenario.

Finally for all the Mark Cuban ranting and raving which makes him annoying but enjoyable to laugh at from a distance, he did something classy tonight. After the final buzzard sounded, the camera showed him standing on the court and clapping for the Miami Heat as victors. He could have stormed off the court, knocked over David Stern, or just stood there with his hands over his head.

Classy move and a classy team wins the NBA finals. Basketball see you next season when we’ll forget your season is about to start because it’s in the middle of football season.

It’s only fitting Father’s Day was Sunday and on Saturday the USA team got the best result we could imagine. A tie.

It’s funny how each country had a different outlook on the game. Over in Italy the press is in an uproar over their performance. They pointed fingers at the lackadasical forwards, reamed the Italian who elbowed McBride so he needed McStiches, and just made it sound like they lost the game. Here you read about how brave the USA players. How they gave it all they had. Coming out with a tie was the best thing we could have hoped for.

I think we were very lucky to get a tie. That is a monumental accomplishment since that is our first ever non-loss in World Cup history on European soil (Still have yet to win). The Italian own goal defied the law of physics. His back was to the goal and his leg moved foward to kick the ball, yet the ball went completely behind him. If he lived in Columbia, he would need to look over his shoulder when he returned.

The Italian red card was justified. Dirtiest play we may see this whole tourament. The Mastreoni red card should have been just a yellow. Yes he went in studs up into the ankle but I’ve seen that numerous times without any card. The Eddie Pope second yellow was setup by the ridiculous first yellow card he should have never recevied. Even with all that, we were a Brian McBride offsides from Hollywood optioning the movie rights to this game.

We still have yet to score a goal in this World Cup. The Italians have scored more goals for us than we have. We haven’t won a game yet. However thanks to the shocking upset of Ghana over our big bully, the Czech, we still have some hope.

In 2002 we needed helped to make it to the round of 16 and we did. In the last game of the first round Portugal just needed a tie against South Korea to move on to the next round and eliminate us. The Koreans got a goal in the 70th minute and won the game. Red rover, red rover, send the USA right over.

We’re going to need the same type of help. However we first need to beat a Ghana team, who coming into the tournament was touted as the most dangerous Afrian team. Without a win, we’re done. If we do finally get our first win, we’re going to need Italy to beat the Czech. If they tie, then the tiebreaker are enforced but we would need to beat Ghana by at a boat load of goals.

So if everything plays out exactly how we want and we add Italy to our Christmas fruitcake list, we have big trouble. That straight road to the second round has a big yellow warning sign that says “Brazil”. Brazil is so dangerous they had a player come off the bench named Fred. How intimidating is the name Fred in the world of sports? In their history of one named wonders such as Pele, Ronaldo, Romario, Adriano, and Ronaldhino, a guy named Fred has more goals than the whole USA team.

Thursday will be judgement day. It’s win or go home. It’s Game 7. Can’t wait.

Chad Johnson, I hope you took notes.

The one thing we haven’t seen so far this World Cup is an innovative goal celebration. Typically in soccer the creative juices get flowing. Players have pretended to pee like dogs, flown like an airplane, and done robot to name a few. They’re more expressive and playful than what we see on the field on Sunday’s here. They also don’t get fined your first born either. We’ve seen lots of goals but no memorable celebrations until Ecuador’s Ivan Kaviedes scores the final goal in Ecuador’s win against Costa Rica.

After he scored, he reached into his shorts and pulled out a yellow mask which he promptly pulled over his head. Wearing mask after a goal? Brilliant!! I laughed because it was bizarre and so original. At first my reaction was he sort of looked like a wrestler in Jack Black’s new movie “Nacho Libre”. If only he picked up a teammate and pretended to body slam him. I may have laughed till…well…you know. Then I find out it was actually a yellow Spiderman mask. If he’s really Spiderman is it fair for him to compete? One can argue he should be fighting crime in Ecuador but World Cup soccer games have stopped wars before. How powerful is that? Take that Spiderman.

This had nothing to do with a new form of advertising to promote Spiderman 3. Nor is this Spidey’s alter ego, Cheesy. Instead the wearing of the mask had emotional significance.

His masked-man stunt was a tribute to Otilino Tenorio, a team-mate killed in a car crash three days after he played for his country in a friendly last year. Tenorio, whose nickname was “Spiderman”, used to pull the mask from his shorts during his goal celebrations.

A touching tribute to put the finish touches on a miracle run for Ecuador going into the 2nd round. My Spidey senses say Ecuador will pull off another upset.

Chris Kaman just can’t get away from people grabbing his nuts. Damn I feel bad for his eerie twin brother. If you’re a tall white lanky dude with blonde hair and play sports, you’re going to get grabbed.